Is it too late?

Is it too late to 'Humbug' Christmas?

Is it too early to do the soul searching thing that we always seem to do at New Year?

Stuck between the two great holdays of the year in the limbo that is the 'Festive Season'.

'Boxing Day' always filled me with dread, that of excrutiating boredom. A day removed of all the excitement of Christmas Eve, the expectation, the excitement, the tension. Only to be replaced with a day of sport, left-overs and badly chosen presents.

I remember the Christmas my Father gave me an electric organ. There's a polaroid photo of me somewhere just after I've finished unpacking it. There's no disguising the disappointment on that face....

What on earth was he thinking of? Which particular straw had he desperately grasped at that year? Or was it (once again) an offer he couldn't refuse?

In a couple of days time, not sure which exactly, he will have been dead approximately 12 years. It pains me to say that I can't be more accurate. My god, even in death he's as unfathomable as he was when he was alive. His death was a loss to us all. For a short while.

Is it too much to hope that I won't die as ignominiously as he did? With a church full of people whom we, the family, didn't know. A funeral for a man we didn't know. Loved and respected by all. Except us.

Is it too late to be someone other than my Father's son?

Or am I more than that?

These days

These days are always difficult. How often have I said in the last
few weeks that more people die in this month than any other? Is that a
comfort?

No, it's an explanation for the unexplained and unexplainable.

Death and dying are two different things. Happened or still happening.
Finite or with the fear of infinite suffering.

Because that is the difference of course, the pain in one is for the
living. The other for the dying.

Sent from my iPhone

The Christmas 'borrel'

The Christmas Drinks, the New Year's Drinks, the round trip has begun.

But I haven't.

I'm left here sitting on my own in a room full of assorted volunteers
who all work for the Hiv-association. Men, women but up till now no
children thank god.

Nobody says hello, nobody says "who are you?" even, most bizarre
experience I can tell you. I've given my time and energy for nearly 4
years and the only people who seem to know that is the Director and
one of the editors of Hiv News.

I'm out of here as soon as humanly possible.

Sent from my iPhone

World Aids Day

I'm sick of that fucking red ribbon already.

Add to the list Stichting Hiv Monitoring, Mr Director Professor Frank de Wolf, the Schorer and (almost) all of the rest of the 'Aids Machine'.

Well, that's got that off my chest.

For a while.

You see, that ribbon has nothing to do with me any more.

It has become a symbol of the 'Aids Machine'. An enormous machine that rolls forward with or without me. Its sole purpose to perpetuate its own existence, its sole aim in life to further itself, its 'raison d'etre' status/money/power.

Even in the Netherlands alone the cost of the 'Aids Machine' to the nation is horendously high - or at least we think it is because there is as yet no way to actually find out how much - and if someone did find a way he/she would probably be gently but firmly poldered away before it got out.

But the cost is not the problem as such, at least not to me. Lord knows a part of my very existence is dependent upon this money for medication etc.

My problem with the 'Aids Machine' is the amount of money that it produces ....

Not specifically the Pharmaceutical Companies. They are at least generally open and straightforward about their intentions, seeing no need to hide their profit and loss figures, relatively safe in their own high-powered multi-national world.

The 'Aids Machine' is a badly organised, dysfunctional, but extremely well oiled machine.

And no-one dares to say it.

Not even me.

Pigeon: Impossible

Thnx to Leo

Childhood

As a child I lived in my own small head. My own small world, protected
from the big world outside, a world I had little or no knowledge of.

The big world outside was full of dangers, but I didn't know that. I
didn't know that with the danger came also chances, opportunities.
Chances to interact with other people, experiment with relationships,
social constructions, which would have enabled me to make my own way
emotionally in the world.

But I didn't know this and as a result grew up the way I did, and into
who and what I am.

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Schorer Monitor

Vorige week was de presentatie van de Monitor door de Schorer, en ik was er bij.

Een paar dingen ....

Dit keer was het geen pers-bijeenkomst, alleen zogenaamd mensen 'uit het veld'. D.w.z. GGD'en, Jellinek, Farmaceuten, enz - en - wij, Poz + Proud, de Hiv Vereniging.

Directeur van de Schorer, Ferdinand Strijthagen, opende het bijeenkomst met de volgende ....
"De Schorer Monitor is sec bedoeld om gegevens te verzamelen die gebruikt kunnen worden in het gevecht tegen Hiv."
"De Schorer is geen belangenorganisatie, het is meer een instituut, zoals Stivoro (Stichting Stoppen Met Roken)."

Dus .....

Alle homomannen die niet snapten waarom de Schorer niet voor hun gezondheid opkwamen kunnen het nu wel snappen - volgens de Directeur, daar zijn ze niet voor.

En als je volgende jaar weer gevraagd wordt om de Schorer Monitor in te vullen realiseer je nu wel dat je het niet voor jezelf, of de homogemeenschap in het algemeen doet - nee - het is alleen voor de Schorer zelf.

Poz.com

How Stigma Kills

by Regan Hofmann

People don't want us to: Cut their hair, Serve them food, Babysit their children, Marry them Or be their friend.* Why AIDS stigma is as deadly as the virus itself.

Defined as "a mark of shame, disgrace or discredit," stigma has long plagued HIV/AIDS. It is one of the defining characteristics of the disease, differentiating it from its biologically-parallel-but-socially-altogether-different retroviral kin: hepatitis, herpes and human papillomavirus (HPV). While we can chirpily discuss vaccinating our children against HPV as we choke down our Cheerios, and we can sit comfortably in front of commercials for herpes drugs, the mere whisper of the word "AIDS" often causes all polite conversation to cease.

We're not imagining this. In 2007, amfAR, the Foundation for AIDS Research, commissioned Harris Interactive to conduct a study among the general American public seeking their attitudes about women living with HIV/AIDS. The survey showed that the majority of Americans are uncomfortable around people living with the virus. More specifically, the study revealed that 59 percent of Americans are somewhat or not at all comfortable with having an HIV-positive woman providing them with child care; 47 percent of Americans are somewhat or not at all comfortable with having an HIV-positive woman serve them food at a restaurant, and 35 percent of Americans are somewhat or not at all comfortable with having an HIV-positive woman as their hairdresser. This study, which mined attitudes about HIV-positive women, flushes out that it is indeed the virus itself that makes people squirm. In other words, people don't fear HIV because (as some suggest) they misperceive it to be a gay or a black disease; they fear HIV and the people living with it, period.

The study also revealed that the vast majority of Americans are not comfortable with the idea of having a romantic relationship with an HIV-positive partner. Eighty-seven percent of Americans are somewhat or not at all comfortable dating someone who is HIV positive, and 89 percent of Americans are somewhat or not at all comfortable marrying someone who is HIV positive. One in five Americans said they would not be comfortable with having an HIV-positive woman as a close friend. Ouch.

The results of a recent survey on poz.com about stigma showed that our readers' perceptions of the general public's attitude toward people living with HIV are spot-on. Eighty-eight percent of you said that your fear of being stigmatized has made dating/relationships more difficult (remember, 87 percent of the general public said they're uncomfortable dating you), and 91 percent of you believe AIDS stigma prevents people from getting romantically serious with/getting married to you (89 percent of the general public agreed with you). That's very close statistical mirroring.

Given that HIV-related stigma is as bad as we perceive it to be, it's no wonder then that 65 percent of you said that HIV-related stigma has prevented you from disclosing to family members; 71 percent of you said it keeps you from telling coworkers; and 60 percent of you said you don't tell friends because of fear of being stigmatized.

One statistic we found particularly disturbing in the Harris study was that very few Americans believe that HIV-positive women should have children. In response to the question, Should a woman with any of the following conditions have children?, fifty-nine percent said women with cancer should have a child; 47 percent of people said women with depression should; 37 percent said women with multiple sclerosis should; 20 percent said women with hepatitis C should; 19 percent said women with Down syndrome should; and 17 percent said women with schizophrenia should. Yet, only 14 percent of Americans said they thought women with HIV should have a child.

This points to a root cause of AIDS stigma: lack of education. Too many people still don't have the correct facts about the disease. For example, women with HIV under proper medical care can usually have a child without passing the virus on and are likely to live long enough to parent the child. Since lack of information breeds fear and fear breeds stigma, one clear prescription for fighting stigma is renewed awareness and better education around the disease.

It would be one thing if stigma stopped with an attitude. If all it meant to be stigmatized was that some people didn't like us, it would perhaps be manageable, albeit uncomfortable. But when stigma gets in the way of our survival, that's another thing entirely. Thirty-four percent of you said that fear of stigma has prevented you from seeking care, treatment and support. And 19 percent of you said you don't disclose to health care professionals because of HIV-related stigma, a fact that certainly compromises the level of care you are receiving. Imagine how many people don't get tested for HIV because of stigma. It's estimated that one in five Americans living with the disease is unaware of his or her status. And according to the CDC, it's estimated that HIV-positive people who are unaware of their infection may account for 54 to 70 percent of all new sexually transmitted HIV infections in the United States. Seems clear to us that stigma is a barrier to individual—and public—health. Not to mention that 48 percent of you said fear of stigma has adversely affected your career. It's harder to keep a good job and afford medical insurance and prescription drugs if you're not performing at optimal levels at work.

But while much of the impact of HIV-related stigma is quantifiable, it is, arguably, those aspects of stigma not captured by statistics that prove the most devastating. As we went to press, more than 1,000 of you told us chilling stories of how stigma negatively affects your lives—breaking down your spirit and your will to live.

Only a small group of you spoke of how you fight stigma, standing proud and strong despite society's desire to keep you down. Some of you have found the inner strength and resolve to rise up in spite of people's fear and ignorance.

As a community of people living with HIV and as a society in general, we need to do a better job fighting stigma by reopening the dialogue about this disease and dragging the unseen facts and faces into the light. Because it is much easier to fear what we don't know. (Interestingly, while 85 percent of you said that President Obama and his administration are not doing enough to combat stigma around HIV/AIDS, 78 percent of you said that the HIV/AIDS community itself is not doing enough to combat stigma.)

It's a chicken-and-egg conundrum. Stigma around AIDS will only dissipate when the world is safe enough for people with HIV to no longer fear disclosing. Individually, many of us living with HIV who have disclosed in POZ or in our lives have seen that people can be supportive and kind once they understand the facts around the disease. (Sixty-seven percent of you said that people treated you the same, post disclosure.) But 87 percent of you said that the current anti-discrimination laws do not sufficiently protect HIV-positive people from being stigmatized, which means that things must change before we can afford to show our faces and change the way the world sees people living with HIV—for the better.

Forty-nine percent of you said that HIV-positive people's fear of being stigmatized is worse than the actual stigma. At POZ, we see repeatedly that this is true. For those who feel they are ready, and can safely come forward, speaking about having HIV can do much to erode the corrosive stigma that keeps us from good health. It bashes stigma when we show the world we have nothing to hide—and are nothing to fear.

Sent from my iPhone

Jackie Beat - Baby Got Front

the Mexican

What's there to say more about the Mexican flu jab that hasn't been said already?

Well, apart from the fact that I had it yesterday, it hurt less than the normal flu jab and I actually feel better today than I did before.

The conspiracy theories abound. Its either this or the end of the world in 2010 (or 2012).

Bert and Ernie

Last Saturday evening in the bar

Bert: Have you seen my Ernie?

Nic: No, why?

Bert: I can't find him.

Nic: Did you lose him?

Bert: I haven't seen him all night!

Nic: Dear Bert, there are personal problems and public problems. This is a personal problem....

Battles won, battles lost

The Councillor in Rotterdam responsible for Health, Jantine Kriens, has decided that Hiv patients no longer need psycho-social support.

Why? Because, she says, new methods of treatment mean that people with Hiv can now live to a ripe old age.

So organisations such as Humanitas which used to receive approximately 100,000 euro subsidy each year have been told that as of next year the subsidy stops.

What Ms Kriens conveniently forgets (or ignores) is that Hiv is a very different disease to other chronic diseases such as Diabetes, Cancer etc. First and foremost of course is that it is an all inclusive disease in as such as being Hiv infected means a higher risk of contracting Diabetes, Hart diseases, Cancer etc.

Add to this an almost universal stigma associated with Hiv and its hardly surprising when one finds out as a newly infected Hiv+ person that the world is not a very safe place any more.

Psycho-social support for Hiv+ people is at least as necessary today as it ever was. Especially for Gay men with Hiv for so many reasons that I've talked about before.

The Schorer Stichting doesn't/won't do it at a National level so it is left to small local organisations to carry the burden, and it is these organisations that will feel the knife in the next few years.

Of course its all about the money, it always is. However this won't be the last time that someone in charge of the purse strings makes this kind of decision.

P.S.

By the way, this is a left wing councillor in a dominantly left wing council. So forget any ideas you had that this could only happen in a right wing country.

Viral Transmission

Transmitting the Hiv virus to someone else is the least of my worries
at the moment. My concern is with H1N1 and the consequences of
transmission to me.
The epidemic wave has begun in my circle of friends and although it
hasn't yet reached my 'inner ring' it is causing me concern.
My throat is sore and the hyperchondria is difficult to keep at bay ;-)

Sent from my iPhone

Changing Meds

Sorry for the extended break, but as you see from the title of this entry I've been changing meds - again.

The side-effects of my anti-depressives where really disrupting my life, but I'd been taking them so long that I'd actually forgotten what life was like without them. But that wasn't why I had to change.

They'd stopped working.

Anyone that has been hanging on in there with me over the years knows what that means. It ain't pretty.

To be honest it wasn't until I started weaning myself off the old pills that I realised how much I need anti-depressives. For the less well informed, its not feeling a bit down, its not having a difficult day, its not having trouble with the neighbours dog.

It is day after day of crying at the drop of a hat for no reason whatsoever without being able to control it.

It is a physical pain in the gut of fear, for no reason, without respite.

It is an inability to concentrate on even the words coming out of your mouth. Stringing words together to make a complete sentence is a nigh on impossibility.

However,

I'm on new pills now that are working and that means I'm out of the danger zone once again.

Joni Mitchell - Coyote

.... and take their temporary lovers, their pills and powders to get them through this passion please ....

Fat

Why is it that more and more people think that it's okay to pat me on
the belly and smile as if they're rubbing a Buddha for luck?

It ain't.

Sent from my iPhone

Wild Horses

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yb3XAP0c8WU

Sent from my iPhone

A Single Man - Theatrical Trailer

A Single Man, adapted from the novel by Christopher Isherwood and directed by ex fashion designer Tom Ford, has won the Queer Golden Lion for gay-themed movies screening at the Venice Film Festival, in competition with fourteen other films. The film's star Colin Firth has also won the festival's Best Actor award.

Ta Da ....

?

Curiouser and curiouser ....

This is definitely not your run of the mill evening - not by a long
chalk.

I know I'm being obtuse but what the hell ;-)

Sent from my iPhone

Doubt

What am I doing? What on earth do I hope to get from this?

Some kind of door into my own past? present? future?

More details will emerge later this evening.

I hope ....

Sent from my iPhone

Not looking left, not looking right

Ah sweet memory of times gone by!

Ah ....

I was reminded not so long ago of one of the (for me) most distressing
symptoms of clinical depression - short term memory loss.

Now it seems that lots of things will actually trigger short term
memory loss. Last month it was pronounced a definite symptom of
alcohol abuse combined with HIV for example. How some of these
conclusions are reached, however, sounds pretty dubious sometimes to
me. What did they do to find this out? Ask people with HIV to remember
when their last drink was?

Anyway, memory loss is annoying at best and destroying at worst. Thw
why's and wherefore's of memory loss are mostly irrelevant unless one
tries to avoid the unavoidable.
Whether it be substance abuse, pills or old age the results differ
only in degree.

My Grandmother died with premature dementia, a sword of Damocles that
has swung above my Mother"s head for years. And my own for that
matter. Every time I can't remember someone"s name I tend to panic -
"is this the beginning of the end?"

My first partner here in the Netherlands, Herman, was deeply demented
in the end when the Doctor finally put him out of his misery.

One can't explain the anguish, the pain and sometimes sheer terror of
living with someone who is suffering dementia. Herman was, in the last
6 months of his life, completely and utterly unreasonable in his
demands for everyone around him. At war with life, his life and
definitely his own death, he would threaten, sulk and glare to get his
own way. As the song says "Quips with a sting, jokes with a sneer, and
the lies ill-concealed and the wounds never healed".

Just like my poor Grandmother, Herman turned into an unreasonable
patient. His weapon of choice was the wheelchair. He loved to be
wheeled around town so that he could be gawked at by others. It gave
him the perfect excuse to be nasty to all he met whilst playing the
poor defenceless invalid.
Then they turn into Godzilla. They both moved into a period where they
stayed at home and continued their ranting from their armchairs.
Impossible to please they would delight in torturing their
(previously) loved ones, deriding them for their lack of caring.
And the last phase? The worst of all. The silence. The face that says
nothing, the eyes that betray nothing, the loved one that is no longer.

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Nieuwe trailer De Storm

The Storm

#4 in G Sehr Behaglich

Downtown

"when you're alone
And life is making you lonely
You can always go ....

To the Hema"

Eat a sausage roll, listen to Mahler's 4th Symphony on your iPhone,
and smile.

Sent from my iPhone

Sleep

I know I've talked about sleep before; my fears, my anxieties.

There is more to it all of course, but the fear of disclosure is
strong even for me.

I must also differentiate between the bedroom, the bed, and sleep itself.

Sleep is the fear of never waking up again, the fear of never wanting
to wake up again. It's oblivion and it's safe at the same time. To
leave one"s body and mind on hold and to leap into nothingness is so
routine for most people that I'm sure some of you are quite shocked to
hear me talk this way.

Each night is a journey into oblivion, nothingness, a state of not
being. Each morning I wake, until the morning when I do not.

It's a conscious choice and it's the subconscious relinquishing of
choice.

Sleep well ....

Sent from my iPhone

Barney Frank Confronts Woman At Townhall Comparing Obama To Hitler

A constituent asks, "Why are you supporting this Nazi policy?" Frank responds: "On what planet do you spend most of your time?"

The day after the day after

Not a good day so far.

I hope that this is not because my new pills are not working, just
that they are not working at full strength yet.

I'll tell you one thing for sure, the suicidal thoughts are always
very distressing, although they are (I think) becoming less frequent.

Just writing the above scares me very much. Why? What people will
think. Will they think I'm incapable of rational thought? Will they
think I'm about to slit my wrists any moment? That I'm dangerous to be
with? Unsafe to give responsibility to? Unable to carry on?

I'm just a Gay man with HIV and a serious disability in the form of
severe depression.
I'm not alone, there are unfortunately many of us.

With the right medication and good support we can get along fine.
Without one or both of the above life is difficult, sometimes very
difficult.

Sent from my iPhone

However, the next day ....

It was never going to be easy, Hartjesdagen that is, but it was worse
than I could ever have imagined. Of course the general public didn't notice
any of it (or am I underestimating peoples intelligence?).

It was full on war on the Dijk yesterday at a level that I never
dreamed they (Queens Head and Barderij) would have stooped to.

Without the support of friends I would have been made to look a fool
too.

All in all another reason to distance myself even more from the
'wrong" side of the Zeedijk.

But ....

Once again ....

Why do some people only really feel good about themselves when they
are putting other people down?

Sent from my iPhone

Shopping

Albert Cuyp Market, Amsterdam

Shopping

Er, no, it's never been one of my favourite things to do, shopping.

Honestly.

Gay and not a shopaholic I'm glad to say. Not many things
bore me like shopping for non-essential items - but nothing in the
world hits that button like shopping for essentials does.

You all know exactly what I mean. You need something very specific, in
a specific colour, and a specific size .... And there's only one
place you think it may be. The Market.

Brrrrrrrrrrr

Sent from my iPhone

Uninvited - Alanis Morissette

You, you're uninvited ....

Patterns

Why do people fall into the same patterns of behaviour? And why are
they always the most destructive, if not self-destructive ones?

We're all Pavlov's dogs to a certain extent, conditioned to respnd to
stimulii. But how do we create those responses?

Because, of course, our lives are not a controlled lab experiment. We
are continually bombarded with 'appropriate' responses to stimulii,
but the choices that we make, the responses we choose to link to the
stimulii, are they random?

Maybe it's chance, maybe we choose the response that hurts the least,
or the most, and maybe sometimes we have no choice and the responses
are forced upon us.

It's a kind of crossed wires syndrome where the response is neither
appropriate nor in proportion.

Which is, of course, a pretty good description of emotions in general;
not always appropriate or in proportion (or even relevant).

We are not in control of our emotions, and we should never want to be
for emotion control is one of the sure ways to madness. However we
need to be aware of the truth about how fickle our emotions are, how
easily manipulated, how easily influenced.

"I put you down because it makes me feel better about myself"

Pavlov's dogs.

Sent from my iPhone

canalpride09

Poz + Proud banner as background ;-)

Plus & Minus

For someone who is hyper-sensitive, prone to over-stimulation and
passive-empathic, I didn't do too bad over the last few weeks.

I've discovered that 'downers' like alcohol really do have an adverse
effect on me. As do large crowds of people.

I've unfortunately also re-discovered that one of the greatest taboo
subjects in the world is still mental illness. People generally are
either so frightened of it that they don't want to hear, or are so
intolerant that they dismiss it as 'drama queen' behaviour. Neither
helps.

I don't know the answer to this, if there is one, or if one is even
necessary.

If I'm mad as a hatter but only hurt myself because of that? Does that
make me a threat to society?

No, the feelings of hopelessness will destroy any joy or happiness in
your life and leave you as a burnt out shell of a human being....

.... and the world may never even know.

Sent from my iPhone

Cash Pride

560,000 visitors watched the Canal Parade yesterday.

At best it was boring, at worst demeaning.

A city full of dronken heterosexuals came to see the fags on boats.
Canal Parade has, inherently, always had a high voyeurs level. The
fags are captive on the boats with a very safe distance of water
between them and the general public. Where this invisible barrier used
to help the fags to let go of their inhibitions without fear of being
beaten to pulp by the straights, it now serves to keep the public safe
from 'undesirable' and 'inapropriate' behaviour.

What was (sometimes) a joyous, raucous celebration of all things Gay,
incuding Gay Sex, is now an advertising vehicle snuffeling for the
Pink Euro.

Sorry fellas, Gay Pride has become a Cash Cow and is not only
interested in our wallets, but in the wallets of the General Public.

I'm afraid that yesterday just made me angry.

Sent from my iPhone

Merce Cunningham

I realise that for most of you the name Merce Cunningham means
nothing. He was, however, one of the most important figures in art in
the twentieth century.

He died last night at the age of 90 leaving a legacy that few could
ever hope to acheive.

Cunningham was a Choreographer avant la lettre.

Art was art, whether it involved the human body or not. Famous
collaborations with Cage in which both his music and Cunningham"s
dance were created separately and only during performances played/
danced together.

The story that has always stayed wth me is this:

"One day Merce was at the swimming pool. Relaxing in the restaurant
there he was separated from the pool and the swimmers by a large glass
window. There was also a large jukebox that sometimes played popular
numbers of the time.
Merce noticed for the first time in his career that what he was seeing
on the other side of the glass was.connected to what he was hearing on
his side. Although neither was deliberately constructed to do so, the
swimmers and musicians where somehow, on a subconscious level, in
perfect harmony with each other."

Without Merce Cunningham and his work, Art would be a lot different
today.

Only the risk-takers push the envelope for the rest of us. Not because
they want to, but because they have no other choice.

We should praise their (and therefore our) right to celebrate feedom,
and that these wonderful people give us a vocabulary to do so.

Sent from my iPhone

Flight not Fight

The desire to avoid conflict, flight rather than fight, has always been strong in me. Even when I am 'right' I would still rather say I was 'wrong' if it meant a quieter life.

That's where my Mother's conditioning kicks in.

"Anything for a quiet life".

Its the only saying I remember her using, ever. It was an admonition to stay low, be subservient, be 'in the wrong'. All this was infinitely better than what?

What?

Malcolm McLaren - Waltz Darling

Durex-The flying condom- vf

With thanks to leo X

Friendship

An ever-recurring subject for me, and I suspect many others with me.

What is a friend? Lord knows.

I have no reference points anymore to define what a friend is.

That's not completely true I'm afraid. So just before I dive into the chasm that is self-despair I have to admit to myself and the world that I do have one friend who is truly beyond question a 'friend'.

This doesn't mean I'm getting away with anything of course. I still have to define what, at least what I, mean by the word.

I feel myself immediately going on the defensive here .... comments flit through my brain like 'no I don't mean unconditional love', or 'someone who is always there for me? That's impossible. Isn't it?'

Its like trying to define love for god's sake. I end up with a description of some kind of a holy ideal bordered and restricted by compromise.

A friend is always there for you when you need them - but of course not always because they have their own lives too.

A friend shares your innermost thoughts and desires - except of course not all of them because then they might think you were crazy.

A friend will always stand beside you - unless you're wrong. At least in their eyes. Or the eyes of their friends of course.

Give me a rare few. A rare few good men. Strong and true. Strong in mind and deed, true of heart and soul.

Bears

Hoogeveen

Hoogeveen

In Hoogeveen a woman has lain dead for two months. Her neighbours
hadn't seen her since May and were alarmed by the smell coming from
her house. The family have been informed.

Two months, how long was she dying before she died? How long did she
pray that the neighbours would notice due was gone, was she still
praying long after her soul had left her body? Did she hope for a
miracle, that her chdren would take the time to notice her
disappearance, now in her death if not in her life?

Dear lord please don't let that happen to me.

Sent from my iPhone

Time

New meds .... and time takes on a new meaning.

Awake every hour on the hour throughout the night as if the sleeping pil is itself an alarm clock set to disturb and alarm.

And 'day' becomes a flexible concept, and 'night' once more a thing to be dreaded (if not feared).

Going to bed has it's traumatic side for me anyway after 12 years of systematic rape within my relationship. 'Bed' and 'the bedroom' are not words that calm me, or inspire me to relax. Years I would go to bed as early as possible and pray to be asleep when my ex came to bed. Years I would fake being asleep just to try and deter him from wanting sex. Years I would try anything to make him cum quicker so it would be over quicker. Just get him to shoot his load in my ass and I could then get to sleep.

But of course I didn't sleep. Too tired to sleep, too hurt to cry, too afraid. My brain was numb. My body not my own. My soul?


Sent from my iPhone

Time

Please, Hello

Detente, oui detente, its the only thing we want

Withdrawal

> Going Cold Turkey when changing meds has it's plusses and very
> definite minusses.
>
> It's not pleasant to be wanting to cry every five minutes for no
> reason whatsoever. My eyes are red and sore and my head hurts more
> than aches despite the 1000 mg paracetamol.
>
> Still, musn't complain. No flu symptoms as yet, just a small but
> irritating cough. By the way, don't ever try eating cheese on toast
> and sneezing at the same time - I'm going to be spending some
> considerable time cleaning it off the wall opposite ....
>
>
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Withdrawal

Here we go again ....

Changing medication is not something I, or anyone else with a chronic
illness for that matter, do just like that. The threat of
"bijwerkingen" is real i,e, more of the same diarhea, hypersomnia,
obstipation etc. But lets not forget the fear of an all new cast of
symptoms on top of the old ones; stomach cramps, dizziness, insomnia,
and on and on and likewise and so forth.

The medication is "necessary". A "necessary evil" is how it's sold to
us.

We have no real evidence of the effects of long term medication,
dosage, combinations, duration.

We have become a race of guinea pigs.
Lets hope we don't turn into lemmings.

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vera springveer: fame

Gone but not forgotten

Bad Night

Dear me .... One of those horrible HIV nights.
Sweating like a pig for a couple of hours then feeliing cold for the
next couple.
Ibuprofen en paracetamol to lower the fever and relieve the pain in
the joints.
Taxi cabs outside my window, screeching horns, ditto English tourists.
Sleep will come eventually ....

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Margaret Cho -- These Christian Groups Have Lost Their Minds

Morning

Up at the crack of dawn. The sun is shining, the sky is clear and
bright. White Party people are making their way back home in two's and
three's. Tiny girls in even tinier white dresses shivering as they
cross the square in front of my window.
It's 6:15 and the city has just hit the snooze button again. Another
hour before it realises it is Saturday and rolls over once again.
Even the junkies are late this morning ....

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Proud (40th Anniversary of the Stonewall Riots)

Sleep

Sleep is something that we, as a child, take for granted. Its only later on in life when its 4 in the morning and we are still staring up at our middle-aged ceiling that we begin to understand how lucky we were.

Depression makes it worse, anti-depressives make it even more worse, and anti-virals make it sometimes a (please excuse the pun) nightmare.

I cannot just 'go to sleep' anymore. It takes a little medication and a lot of luck to get me asleep in the first place, but even more difficult to get me to stay asleep for no less and no longer than 8 hours a day. My body will sleep on for a minimum of 10 hours per night, wake up for the next 2 hours and then go to sleep again for anything up to 6 hours at a time. This will not exclude a nap of a couple of hours in the afternoon/early evening.

My Hiv specialist says, all people with Hiv are tired.

Pause, play, fast forward

Life has been a bit complicated the last few months.

No, I'm not going into it.

Well, maybe another time ....

I've just bumped into someone who lives around the corner from my Mum. Bizarre. That someone would actually choose to live there. Although my recollections of it are far from rose coloured, more a greyish taupe to be honest, it was on the grim side at best.

What can people expect? It was a heavy to medium industrial area with very little sunny bits. We always used to joke that I'd never actually seen a tree until I moved to University in London. (This wasn't actually true, it was a rabbit).

Moscow

Russian riot police arrest gay protesters

By Guy Faulconbridge, Reuters

Saturday, 16 May 

• • NORMAL

AP

Russian Gay Rights protestors are taken away by riot police officers in Moscow

Dozens of riot police broke up a gay rights demonstration today before the Eurovision Song Contest final in Moscow, grabbing protesters and throwing them into police cars and a waiting bus.

Those arrested for taking part in the small demonstration, which had been banned by city authorities, included British and Russian campaigners.

"There is no freedom for gays in Russia," British gay rights activist Peter Tatchell shouted as police bundled him away. "We call on President (Dmitry) Medvedev to meet with us."

Police pushed waiting reporters away as they arrested the gay and lesbian participants but there were no beatings.

Among those detained was Nikolai Alexeyev, a Russian gay rights leader. Alexeyev was walking with a person wearing women's clothes, whom he described as a friend. Police said they were arresting him for walking with a transvestite.

Moscow Mayor Yuri Luzhkov has taken a hard line against homosexual protesters, once describing a gay rights parade as "satanic".

Gay Parades are a Satanic Act

"Would destroy morals"

Moscow bans gay pride march on Eurovision day

Reuters news agency reports that the city of Moscow has banned a gay parade planned to coincide with its hosting of the Eurovision Song Contest next week, because it will "destroy morals" in the capital, a spokesman for the city's mayor said Thursday. Gay rights activists have staged small unsanctioned parades in Moscow without government approval over the past few years. But they have faced arrests and severe beatings by anti-gay and neo-fascist groups.

"Moscow has never had gay parades and it never will," said Mayor Yuri Luzhkov's spokesman, Sergei Tsoi. "Not only do they destroy morals within our society, but they consciously provoke disorder which threatens the lives of Muscovites and visitors."

Parade organizer and prominent gay rights activist Nikolai Alekseyev said on his website www.gayrussia.ru that the event would take place anyway.

"This is our right and it is guaranteed by the constitution. No official, including the Moscow mayor, has the right to violate it," Alekseyev said.

But Luzhkov's spokesman said any attempt to hold an unsanctioned gay parade would be "toughly stopped by law enforcement agencies in accordance with the law."

Luzhkov, who has been mayor of Moscow since 1992, once said gay parades were "a satanic act"
Russia did not decriminalize gay sex until 1993, two years after the Soviet Union's collapse, and intolerance is widespread.

Moscow has no gay-friendly district and the homosexual scene is still largely underground. Public displays of affection between same-sex couples are rare.

The gay parade, scheduled for May 16, was meant to coincide with Moscow's hosting of the Eurovision Song Contest. Activists had asked that competitors back homosexual rights on stage.

A Swiss-based Eurovision spokesman, currently in Moscow, declined to comment on the banning of the parade but said: "It's not a secret that we have a large gay audience and we respect everyone's backgrounds."

 

Gwen Stefani - What You Waiting For?

What are you waiting for?
Before your legs are paralyzed,
before you get pancreatic cancer,
before you waste away,
do it
now
.

LILY MORRIS: Why am I Always the Bridesmaid

".... never the blushing bride"

Susan Boyle - Singer - Britains Got Talent 2009

Unable to embed - please go to You Tube and make your day ....

News

Its official!

Hiv medication therapy should be started as early as possible - add this to the `Swiss standpoint' and what do we have? .......

A condomless strategy .......... hiv+'ers without fear

Gay Life, Gay Death in Iraq

Don't think you are safe .....

Kees

Professor Kees Brinkman is the man who finally got the chance to say it :

"Hiv medicatie can be used in a preventive way. If all Hiv+ people used medication then the rate of new infections would drop dramatically"

(and not a mention of a condom anywhere ....)

Schorer Monitor

Reactie van Poz & Proud op start Schorer Monitor 2009

Begin deze week is het jaarlijkse onderzoek van Schorer gestart naar de seksuele gezondheid van de Nederlandse homo: De Schorer Monitor. In de vragenlijst van de Monitor 2009 ontbreken opnieuw essentiële vragen die belangrijk zijn voor een goed inzicht in de seksuele gezondheid van homo’s met hiv. Ook heeft Schorer tot op heden geen concrete toezeggingen gedaan om zijn stigmatiserende communicatiestrategie aan te passen.

Schorer heeft in diverse gesprekken getoond open te staan voor kritiek en heeft ook toezeggingen gedaan om de Monitor in de komende jaren te verbeteren. Op belangrijke onderdelen heeft Schorer echter volgens Poz & Proud nog te weinig met deze kritiek gedaan. Poz & Proud mist vooral een helder signaal van Schorer dat de communicatie in de toekomst zorgvuldiger zal gaan verlopen. De uitkomsten van de Monitor dreigen hierdoor opnieuw door een onzorgvuldige communicatiestrategie een negatief beeld van homoseksualiteit in het algemeen en hiv in het bijzonder bij het algemene publiek op te roepen. Het instellen van een commissie op persoonlijke titel om de uitkomsten van het onderzoek te duiden is geen garantie voor een goede communicatiestrategie. Een onderzoek dat opnieuw op belangrijke punten de plank misslaat is geen goed onderzoek in de ogen van Poz & Proud en schaadt bovendien de belangen van hiv-positieve homo’s.

Poz & Proud ontraadt daarom aan het onderzoek deel te nemen.

i.e. DO NOT TAKE PART IN THE ON-LINE SCHORER MONITOR!!!!

The T-Mobile Dance

Wonderful!

Bio-hazard

The Bio-hazard symbol as used by Gay Poz Men is a self-designated symbol of discrimination. In much the same way that the Gay Liberation Front re-claimed the pink triangle in the 70's.

But the bio-hazard symbol is used in many different ways for many different reasons. On profiles, on T-shirts, on skin.

My ink is personal, and therefore I thought at the time that it was time to 'brand' myself with the bio-hazard (artistically of course) ....

What for?

A declaration for myself, a message to others, a warning, an invitation.

The Pope and Condoms

Nothing I could say could make the Pope more ridiculous than he's making himself.

Unfortunately he has more power than I do ....

Learning

I never realised that learning something new at my age would be so difficult. I used to be able (when I was young) to pick up new languages at the drop of a hat. It was common knowledge at university that if somebody dropped out of a play, opera, ballet I could be trusted to learn the part within a few hours and deliver a more than passable performance.

But learning to sing in Spanish is doing my head in ....

AMEN and out

Well, that was a disappointment to say the least, but not a surprise.

You can't compete with Rapido ....

You can't compete with a huge event which offers almost 3000 male bodies in various states of undress, with music so loud you can't hear yourself worry, with drugs so heavy that everyone else loves everyone else including their husbands, 

10 hours of mind numbing, 

worry alleviating, 

virus forgetting joy.

Concertgebouw

"Life is too short to waste it listening to Schubert".

Testing testing 123 ....

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The Denver Principles Project

Way back in 1983 Hiv+ people in Denver got together and created a kind of Declaration of Independence for Hiv+'ers - The Denver Principles.

At that time all over the world Hiv+ people were getting their second wind and starting to challenge their medical and political status.

The Denver Principles Project is an attempt to blow life into that particular flame at a time in America where hope seems to be tempering the economic crisis in the shape of Barack Obama.

Here's the link to the original - 

http://www.napwa.org/denverprinciplesproject/denver-principles.shtml

- and because its (unfortunately) just as relevant today as 25 years ago here's the full version.

The Denver Principles Statement from the Advisory Committee of People with AIDS (1983) We condemn attempts to label us as 'victims,' a term which implies defeat, and we are only occasionally 'patients,' a term which implies passivity, helplessness, and dependence upon the care of others. We are 'People With AIDS.' RECOMMENDATIONS FOR HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONALS 1. Come out, especially to their patients who have AIDS. 2. Always clearly identify and discuss the theory they favor as to the cause of AIDS, since this bias affects the treatments and advice they give.  3. Get in touch with their feelings (e.g., fears, anxieties, hopes, etc.) About AIDS and not simply deal with AIDS intellectually.  4. Take a thorough personal inventory and identify and examine their own agendas around AIDS.  5. Treat people with AIDS as a whole people, and address psychological issues as well as biophysical ones.  6. Address the question of sexuality in people with AIDS specifically, sensitively and with information about gay male sexuality in general, and the sexuality of people with AIDS in particular. RECOMMENDATIONS FOR ALL PEOPLE  1. Support & Membership in our struggle against those who would fire us from our jobs, evict us from our homes, refuse to touch us or separate us from our loved ones, our community or our peers, since available evidence does not support the view that AIDS can be spread by casual, social contact.  2. Not scapegoat people with AIDS, blame us for the epidemic or generalize about our lifestyles. RECOMMENDATIONS FOR PEOPLE WITH AIDS  1. Form caucuses to choose their own representatives, to deal with the media, to choose their own agenda and to plan their own strategies.  2. Be involved at every level of decision-making and specifically serve on the board of directors of provider organizations.  3. Be included in all AIDS forums with equal credibility as other participants, to share their own experiences and knowledge.  4. Substitute low-risk sexual behaviors for those which could endanger themselves or their partners; we feel that people with AIDS have an ethical responsibility to inform their potential partners of their health status. RIGHTS OF PEOPLE WITH AIDS  1. To live as full and satisfying sexual and emotional lives as anyone else.  2. To receive quality medical treatment and quality social service provision without discrimination of any form, including sexual orientation, gender, diagnosis, economic status or race.  3. To obtain full explanations of all medical procedures and risks, to choose or refuse their treatment modalities, to refuse to participate in research without jeopardizing their treatment and to make informed decisions about their lives.  4. To ensure privacy and confidentiality of medical records, to receive human respect and the right to choose who their significant others are.  5. To die--and to LIVE--in dignity.

Ill

Here I am again with a seriously dreadful head cold. I hate it. its so debilitating without being so serious that I actually need tot take antibiotics.

Spending a week in the flat is not my idea of a fun time of course, and at times like these I thank god that I have no poor partner to inflict my frustration upon - or maybe that's what they're for?

So forgive me please if I'm not keeping up to speed with writing.

Depeche Mode - Wrong HQ HD (Live at Echo Awards, Berlin)