#4 in G Sehr Behaglich

Downtown

"when you're alone
And life is making you lonely
You can always go ....

To the Hema"

Eat a sausage roll, listen to Mahler's 4th Symphony on your iPhone,
and smile.

Sent from my iPhone

Sleep

I know I've talked about sleep before; my fears, my anxieties.

There is more to it all of course, but the fear of disclosure is
strong even for me.

I must also differentiate between the bedroom, the bed, and sleep itself.

Sleep is the fear of never waking up again, the fear of never wanting
to wake up again. It's oblivion and it's safe at the same time. To
leave one"s body and mind on hold and to leap into nothingness is so
routine for most people that I'm sure some of you are quite shocked to
hear me talk this way.

Each night is a journey into oblivion, nothingness, a state of not
being. Each morning I wake, until the morning when I do not.

It's a conscious choice and it's the subconscious relinquishing of
choice.

Sleep well ....

Sent from my iPhone

Barney Frank Confronts Woman At Townhall Comparing Obama To Hitler

A constituent asks, "Why are you supporting this Nazi policy?" Frank responds: "On what planet do you spend most of your time?"

The day after the day after

Not a good day so far.

I hope that this is not because my new pills are not working, just
that they are not working at full strength yet.

I'll tell you one thing for sure, the suicidal thoughts are always
very distressing, although they are (I think) becoming less frequent.

Just writing the above scares me very much. Why? What people will
think. Will they think I'm incapable of rational thought? Will they
think I'm about to slit my wrists any moment? That I'm dangerous to be
with? Unsafe to give responsibility to? Unable to carry on?

I'm just a Gay man with HIV and a serious disability in the form of
severe depression.
I'm not alone, there are unfortunately many of us.

With the right medication and good support we can get along fine.
Without one or both of the above life is difficult, sometimes very
difficult.

Sent from my iPhone

However, the next day ....

It was never going to be easy, Hartjesdagen that is, but it was worse
than I could ever have imagined. Of course the general public didn't notice
any of it (or am I underestimating peoples intelligence?).

It was full on war on the Dijk yesterday at a level that I never
dreamed they (Queens Head and Barderij) would have stooped to.

Without the support of friends I would have been made to look a fool
too.

All in all another reason to distance myself even more from the
'wrong" side of the Zeedijk.

But ....

Once again ....

Why do some people only really feel good about themselves when they
are putting other people down?

Sent from my iPhone

Shopping

Albert Cuyp Market, Amsterdam

Shopping

Er, no, it's never been one of my favourite things to do, shopping.

Honestly.

Gay and not a shopaholic I'm glad to say. Not many things
bore me like shopping for non-essential items - but nothing in the
world hits that button like shopping for essentials does.

You all know exactly what I mean. You need something very specific, in
a specific colour, and a specific size .... And there's only one
place you think it may be. The Market.

Brrrrrrrrrrr

Sent from my iPhone

Uninvited - Alanis Morissette

You, you're uninvited ....

Patterns

Why do people fall into the same patterns of behaviour? And why are
they always the most destructive, if not self-destructive ones?

We're all Pavlov's dogs to a certain extent, conditioned to respnd to
stimulii. But how do we create those responses?

Because, of course, our lives are not a controlled lab experiment. We
are continually bombarded with 'appropriate' responses to stimulii,
but the choices that we make, the responses we choose to link to the
stimulii, are they random?

Maybe it's chance, maybe we choose the response that hurts the least,
or the most, and maybe sometimes we have no choice and the responses
are forced upon us.

It's a kind of crossed wires syndrome where the response is neither
appropriate nor in proportion.

Which is, of course, a pretty good description of emotions in general;
not always appropriate or in proportion (or even relevant).

We are not in control of our emotions, and we should never want to be
for emotion control is one of the sure ways to madness. However we
need to be aware of the truth about how fickle our emotions are, how
easily manipulated, how easily influenced.

"I put you down because it makes me feel better about myself"

Pavlov's dogs.

Sent from my iPhone

canalpride09

Poz + Proud banner as background ;-)

Plus & Minus

For someone who is hyper-sensitive, prone to over-stimulation and
passive-empathic, I didn't do too bad over the last few weeks.

I've discovered that 'downers' like alcohol really do have an adverse
effect on me. As do large crowds of people.

I've unfortunately also re-discovered that one of the greatest taboo
subjects in the world is still mental illness. People generally are
either so frightened of it that they don't want to hear, or are so
intolerant that they dismiss it as 'drama queen' behaviour. Neither
helps.

I don't know the answer to this, if there is one, or if one is even
necessary.

If I'm mad as a hatter but only hurt myself because of that? Does that
make me a threat to society?

No, the feelings of hopelessness will destroy any joy or happiness in
your life and leave you as a burnt out shell of a human being....

.... and the world may never even know.

Sent from my iPhone

Cash Pride

560,000 visitors watched the Canal Parade yesterday.

At best it was boring, at worst demeaning.

A city full of dronken heterosexuals came to see the fags on boats.
Canal Parade has, inherently, always had a high voyeurs level. The
fags are captive on the boats with a very safe distance of water
between them and the general public. Where this invisible barrier used
to help the fags to let go of their inhibitions without fear of being
beaten to pulp by the straights, it now serves to keep the public safe
from 'undesirable' and 'inapropriate' behaviour.

What was (sometimes) a joyous, raucous celebration of all things Gay,
incuding Gay Sex, is now an advertising vehicle snuffeling for the
Pink Euro.

Sorry fellas, Gay Pride has become a Cash Cow and is not only
interested in our wallets, but in the wallets of the General Public.

I'm afraid that yesterday just made me angry.

Sent from my iPhone

Merce Cunningham

I realise that for most of you the name Merce Cunningham means
nothing. He was, however, one of the most important figures in art in
the twentieth century.

He died last night at the age of 90 leaving a legacy that few could
ever hope to acheive.

Cunningham was a Choreographer avant la lettre.

Art was art, whether it involved the human body or not. Famous
collaborations with Cage in which both his music and Cunningham"s
dance were created separately and only during performances played/
danced together.

The story that has always stayed wth me is this:

"One day Merce was at the swimming pool. Relaxing in the restaurant
there he was separated from the pool and the swimmers by a large glass
window. There was also a large jukebox that sometimes played popular
numbers of the time.
Merce noticed for the first time in his career that what he was seeing
on the other side of the glass was.connected to what he was hearing on
his side. Although neither was deliberately constructed to do so, the
swimmers and musicians where somehow, on a subconscious level, in
perfect harmony with each other."

Without Merce Cunningham and his work, Art would be a lot different
today.

Only the risk-takers push the envelope for the rest of us. Not because
they want to, but because they have no other choice.

We should praise their (and therefore our) right to celebrate feedom,
and that these wonderful people give us a vocabulary to do so.

Sent from my iPhone

Flight not Fight

The desire to avoid conflict, flight rather than fight, has always been strong in me. Even when I am 'right' I would still rather say I was 'wrong' if it meant a quieter life.

That's where my Mother's conditioning kicks in.

"Anything for a quiet life".

Its the only saying I remember her using, ever. It was an admonition to stay low, be subservient, be 'in the wrong'. All this was infinitely better than what?

What?

Malcolm McLaren - Waltz Darling

Durex-The flying condom- vf

With thanks to leo X

Friendship

An ever-recurring subject for me, and I suspect many others with me.

What is a friend? Lord knows.

I have no reference points anymore to define what a friend is.

That's not completely true I'm afraid. So just before I dive into the chasm that is self-despair I have to admit to myself and the world that I do have one friend who is truly beyond question a 'friend'.

This doesn't mean I'm getting away with anything of course. I still have to define what, at least what I, mean by the word.

I feel myself immediately going on the defensive here .... comments flit through my brain like 'no I don't mean unconditional love', or 'someone who is always there for me? That's impossible. Isn't it?'

Its like trying to define love for god's sake. I end up with a description of some kind of a holy ideal bordered and restricted by compromise.

A friend is always there for you when you need them - but of course not always because they have their own lives too.

A friend shares your innermost thoughts and desires - except of course not all of them because then they might think you were crazy.

A friend will always stand beside you - unless you're wrong. At least in their eyes. Or the eyes of their friends of course.

Give me a rare few. A rare few good men. Strong and true. Strong in mind and deed, true of heart and soul.

Bears

Hoogeveen