Bert and Ernie

Last Saturday evening in the bar

Bert: Have you seen my Ernie?

Nic: No, why?

Bert: I can't find him.

Nic: Did you lose him?

Bert: I haven't seen him all night!

Nic: Dear Bert, there are personal problems and public problems. This is a personal problem....

Battles won, battles lost

The Councillor in Rotterdam responsible for Health, Jantine Kriens, has decided that Hiv patients no longer need psycho-social support.

Why? Because, she says, new methods of treatment mean that people with Hiv can now live to a ripe old age.

So organisations such as Humanitas which used to receive approximately 100,000 euro subsidy each year have been told that as of next year the subsidy stops.

What Ms Kriens conveniently forgets (or ignores) is that Hiv is a very different disease to other chronic diseases such as Diabetes, Cancer etc. First and foremost of course is that it is an all inclusive disease in as such as being Hiv infected means a higher risk of contracting Diabetes, Hart diseases, Cancer etc.

Add to this an almost universal stigma associated with Hiv and its hardly surprising when one finds out as a newly infected Hiv+ person that the world is not a very safe place any more.

Psycho-social support for Hiv+ people is at least as necessary today as it ever was. Especially for Gay men with Hiv for so many reasons that I've talked about before.

The Schorer Stichting doesn't/won't do it at a National level so it is left to small local organisations to carry the burden, and it is these organisations that will feel the knife in the next few years.

Of course its all about the money, it always is. However this won't be the last time that someone in charge of the purse strings makes this kind of decision.

P.S.

By the way, this is a left wing councillor in a dominantly left wing council. So forget any ideas you had that this could only happen in a right wing country.

Viral Transmission

Transmitting the Hiv virus to someone else is the least of my worries
at the moment. My concern is with H1N1 and the consequences of
transmission to me.
The epidemic wave has begun in my circle of friends and although it
hasn't yet reached my 'inner ring' it is causing me concern.
My throat is sore and the hyperchondria is difficult to keep at bay ;-)

Sent from my iPhone

Changing Meds

Sorry for the extended break, but as you see from the title of this entry I've been changing meds - again.

The side-effects of my anti-depressives where really disrupting my life, but I'd been taking them so long that I'd actually forgotten what life was like without them. But that wasn't why I had to change.

They'd stopped working.

Anyone that has been hanging on in there with me over the years knows what that means. It ain't pretty.

To be honest it wasn't until I started weaning myself off the old pills that I realised how much I need anti-depressives. For the less well informed, its not feeling a bit down, its not having a difficult day, its not having trouble with the neighbours dog.

It is day after day of crying at the drop of a hat for no reason whatsoever without being able to control it.

It is a physical pain in the gut of fear, for no reason, without respite.

It is an inability to concentrate on even the words coming out of your mouth. Stringing words together to make a complete sentence is a nigh on impossibility.

However,

I'm on new pills now that are working and that means I'm out of the danger zone once again.

Joni Mitchell - Coyote

.... and take their temporary lovers, their pills and powders to get them through this passion please ....

Fat

Why is it that more and more people think that it's okay to pat me on
the belly and smile as if they're rubbing a Buddha for luck?

It ain't.

Sent from my iPhone

Wild Horses

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yb3XAP0c8WU

Sent from my iPhone

A Single Man - Theatrical Trailer

A Single Man, adapted from the novel by Christopher Isherwood and directed by ex fashion designer Tom Ford, has won the Queer Golden Lion for gay-themed movies screening at the Venice Film Festival, in competition with fourteen other films. The film's star Colin Firth has also won the festival's Best Actor award.

Ta Da ....

?

Curiouser and curiouser ....

This is definitely not your run of the mill evening - not by a long
chalk.

I know I'm being obtuse but what the hell ;-)

Sent from my iPhone

Doubt

What am I doing? What on earth do I hope to get from this?

Some kind of door into my own past? present? future?

More details will emerge later this evening.

I hope ....

Sent from my iPhone

Not looking left, not looking right

Ah sweet memory of times gone by!

Ah ....

I was reminded not so long ago of one of the (for me) most distressing
symptoms of clinical depression - short term memory loss.

Now it seems that lots of things will actually trigger short term
memory loss. Last month it was pronounced a definite symptom of
alcohol abuse combined with HIV for example. How some of these
conclusions are reached, however, sounds pretty dubious sometimes to
me. What did they do to find this out? Ask people with HIV to remember
when their last drink was?

Anyway, memory loss is annoying at best and destroying at worst. Thw
why's and wherefore's of memory loss are mostly irrelevant unless one
tries to avoid the unavoidable.
Whether it be substance abuse, pills or old age the results differ
only in degree.

My Grandmother died with premature dementia, a sword of Damocles that
has swung above my Mother"s head for years. And my own for that
matter. Every time I can't remember someone"s name I tend to panic -
"is this the beginning of the end?"

My first partner here in the Netherlands, Herman, was deeply demented
in the end when the Doctor finally put him out of his misery.

One can't explain the anguish, the pain and sometimes sheer terror of
living with someone who is suffering dementia. Herman was, in the last
6 months of his life, completely and utterly unreasonable in his
demands for everyone around him. At war with life, his life and
definitely his own death, he would threaten, sulk and glare to get his
own way. As the song says "Quips with a sting, jokes with a sneer, and
the lies ill-concealed and the wounds never healed".

Just like my poor Grandmother, Herman turned into an unreasonable
patient. His weapon of choice was the wheelchair. He loved to be
wheeled around town so that he could be gawked at by others. It gave
him the perfect excuse to be nasty to all he met whilst playing the
poor defenceless invalid.
Then they turn into Godzilla. They both moved into a period where they
stayed at home and continued their ranting from their armchairs.
Impossible to please they would delight in torturing their
(previously) loved ones, deriding them for their lack of caring.
And the last phase? The worst of all. The silence. The face that says
nothing, the eyes that betray nothing, the loved one that is no longer.

Sent from my iPhone

Nieuwe trailer De Storm

The Storm

#4 in G Sehr Behaglich

Downtown

"when you're alone
And life is making you lonely
You can always go ....

To the Hema"

Eat a sausage roll, listen to Mahler's 4th Symphony on your iPhone,
and smile.

Sent from my iPhone

Sleep

I know I've talked about sleep before; my fears, my anxieties.

There is more to it all of course, but the fear of disclosure is
strong even for me.

I must also differentiate between the bedroom, the bed, and sleep itself.

Sleep is the fear of never waking up again, the fear of never wanting
to wake up again. It's oblivion and it's safe at the same time. To
leave one"s body and mind on hold and to leap into nothingness is so
routine for most people that I'm sure some of you are quite shocked to
hear me talk this way.

Each night is a journey into oblivion, nothingness, a state of not
being. Each morning I wake, until the morning when I do not.

It's a conscious choice and it's the subconscious relinquishing of
choice.

Sleep well ....

Sent from my iPhone

Barney Frank Confronts Woman At Townhall Comparing Obama To Hitler

A constituent asks, "Why are you supporting this Nazi policy?" Frank responds: "On what planet do you spend most of your time?"

The day after the day after

Not a good day so far.

I hope that this is not because my new pills are not working, just
that they are not working at full strength yet.

I'll tell you one thing for sure, the suicidal thoughts are always
very distressing, although they are (I think) becoming less frequent.

Just writing the above scares me very much. Why? What people will
think. Will they think I'm incapable of rational thought? Will they
think I'm about to slit my wrists any moment? That I'm dangerous to be
with? Unsafe to give responsibility to? Unable to carry on?

I'm just a Gay man with HIV and a serious disability in the form of
severe depression.
I'm not alone, there are unfortunately many of us.

With the right medication and good support we can get along fine.
Without one or both of the above life is difficult, sometimes very
difficult.

Sent from my iPhone

However, the next day ....

It was never going to be easy, Hartjesdagen that is, but it was worse
than I could ever have imagined. Of course the general public didn't notice
any of it (or am I underestimating peoples intelligence?).

It was full on war on the Dijk yesterday at a level that I never
dreamed they (Queens Head and Barderij) would have stooped to.

Without the support of friends I would have been made to look a fool
too.

All in all another reason to distance myself even more from the
'wrong" side of the Zeedijk.

But ....

Once again ....

Why do some people only really feel good about themselves when they
are putting other people down?

Sent from my iPhone