Funerals, mine

I don't want anyone to panic, but I have been spending some time lately thinking about death, dying, and the practicalities of such.

It would be infinitely easier for all concerned if one gave a last gasp on one's death bed and then disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Or dust even. Glitter would be a nice option too.

No messy fluids, no deathly palor, well no body at all actually.

Because the point is, what on earth (forgive the pun) do I want to happen to my body after I've snuffed it?

Burial? Cremation? Recycling?

Starting with the last, I'm pretty sure that no-one will want bits of my body when I'm gone. Nothing will be of any use, except in a laboratory situation. I shudder at the thought that medical students would get to see even more of me after I'm dead than they do on a regular basis now.

Cremation? Scares the shite out of me to tell the truth. Just the thought of waking up in that shoddy coffin whilst the flames lick around my ankles is enough for me to break out in a cold sweat (no pun intended). Maybe I could just get skewered beforehand, like some huge shish kebab, so that everyone can see that I'm actually, really, well and truly dead before they fry me to a crisp.

Ashes in an Urn? It had better be bloody Faberge if I have to reside like some dehydrated genie in a bottle for the rest of eternity.

Burial? Brrrrrrr. Cold, damp, worm infested earth. Lying under the sod should really only appeal to the more innately morbid amongst us. Like the Scottish. Or the Fries.

So do I care? Not really. Just make sure I'm as dead as a door nail first before disposing of in an adult way and I'll be happy (or not if there's no afterlife).

P.S.

I would quite like a funeral please. Samuel Barber 'Adagio for strings' (and anyone who dares to play the Tiesto version I will personally come back and haunt). Delibes, 'Lakme' all that kind of stuff is good. Its moving and emotional and doesn't drown out the crying (forgive the pun).