Happy, Happy, Happy

For the first time in 20 years I read the last will and testament of my ex-partner Herman last night.

I read it and berated myself for reading it at the same time. But it didn't hurt, it didn't even really get me as angry as I expected it to. At least not angry with Herman. His mother I will always despise because she is who she is. His father was pure dictator, there was nothing else one could do but hate him, or at least revile him.

But last night I suddenly discovered detachment. After 20 years of a life twisted and distorted by Herman's dying and death I think I may be able to confront it.

The Worrier

I have to put a disclaimer here first - what I am about to write is in no way intended to hurt anyone.

I'm not a natural worrier.

As a teenager I was definitely a bridge burner, the cry of 'next!' was always on my lips. With no real idea of where I was going, and even less of why I was going there, I careered about the globe in a state of naive bliss.

Relatively naive bliss. Stuff happened but I was young enough to shrug it off and carry on. What I wasn't prepared for was that it would all come flooding back to haunt me much later on in life.

I won't bore you (and myself) with repeating the story of my life because its just too tedious for words in my head and too fantastical for the rest of you.

My relationships have all been bad in one way or another. In one way in particular is that they have all left me with an acute feeling of worry.

I worry about almost everything. Most of the time its reasonably under control, or at least I can hide it from others. I'm actually quite good at hiding it from myself too. I have acquired techniques, tricks and mental sleight of hand that allow me to function reasonably well even though I am sometimes in a continual state of anxiety.

Ok kids, this sounds worse than it is. Many of us have developed 'coping' techniques over the years. Social etiquette is made of 'coping' techniques. Shaking hands, kissing, saying "How are you?" without meaning it are all forms of 'coping'.

It gets serious when you have to discuss things with yourself like "Do I go out of the house today?"

"Will you still feed me, will you still need me ...."

It seems that I have the bone density of a 65 year old.

At least that's what my Internist told me when he showed me the results of the tests.

It really upset me - it still does.

I'm just not ready to be 65 yet, honestly I'm not. I don't think I will be when I actually do turn 65.

Although, technically, my bones have already turned 65 without me.

Which I consider to be inconsiderate at the least.

How many other bits of me are gonna go kamikaze before their (my) time?

OLVG (3)

Here we go again as they say ....

Its not often that I write about events that are yet to take place - I'm usually a whiner after the fact. But in a few hours I'm back at the OLVG for the results of the bone density scan etc. and I'm not looking forward to it.

At the moment I'm saying to myself that it'll be alright, that I'm exaggerating, that it'll all turn out to be a storm in a teacup. But the fear that it could be something, anything, is there lurking at the back of my brain.

I'll find out when I find out.

OLVG (2)

Back to the OLVG again - this time its another friend who has been raced into hospital with an infection on top of his Hodgkins ....

.... and have just heard that another has also been admitted last night with an unspecified infection.

I'm actually lost for words a little.

OLVG

In a few minutes time I'm on my way to the OLVG.

Again.

In the last few months people I care about have undergone the following:

2 Deaths (1 Hiv related)

1 near fatal Heart Attack

1 Hodgkins

2 cases of partial paralysis (with no apparent cause/Hiv+'ers)

1 Infected anal abcess with complications

and to be honest I can't be bothered recollecting the others.

So, and with all respect to those who are experiencing the same, don't tell me what I can and can't do regarding disease, death and dying.