again

Once again I've worked myself into a situation where I feel I have little or no control over.

I have a wedding in a few hours that I have promised to go to. Its an acquaintance of an acquaintance. She's terminaly ill and has decided to get married to her husband again before she dies.

The whole thing will be so emotionaly heavy that I'm already now in a state of high apprehension.

What makes it worse is that I've been invited separately from my friends, leaving me to arrive at a later time than them - on my own.

I didn't know this until yesterday and the wedding is today .... if I'd known I would have made an excuse but as it is I now have no way out ....

If I go then I will be doing the wrong thing for me - if I don't go then that/I will be frowned upon.

I hate this ....

Backwards and Forwards

Most of you know what that's like at certain moments in your life. That idea that in spite of the 3 steps forward you have taken there has to be 2 steps taken backward.

But why?

The issue of non-acheivement is for me the largest reason I know of. The knowledge, real or perceived, of never being able to live up to the standards that I impose upon myself. Standards absorbed from a lifetime of being told that whatever I acheived it was just not quite good enough.

The perfectionist's tale.

To be or not to be ....

Is it the coward's way to back down from a confrontation?
It is certainly the most damaging to oneself. For the fear of the confrontation, or, more honestly, the consequences is paralyzing.

The fear of making ANY decision paralyzes me.

Any decision made, however small, however mundane, however inconsequential burdens me with a weight of fear.

Its hard to understand I know. How on earth can choosing, for example, sugar over sweeteners be such a fearful experience? Turn left or turn right on leaving the apartment? Go out or not go out.

Somewhere in my brain there is a fearful residence. Its a painful remembrance, real or imagined, of past mistakes. Of ALL mistakes. And all these mistakes were my own, my own choosing, a result, and results of, my own free will.

Ergo - anything good that has happened in my life has been as a result of intervention by person or persons (or even gods) outside of my realm of influence.

Ergo - no decision I can make will be the right decision.

Ergo - I am incapable of making good decisions regarding myself and therefore need other people to make decisions for me.

Ergo .... I have no free will.