To be or not to be ....

Is it the coward's way to back down from a confrontation?
It is certainly the most damaging to oneself. For the fear of the confrontation, or, more honestly, the consequences is paralyzing.

The fear of making ANY decision paralyzes me.

Any decision made, however small, however mundane, however inconsequential burdens me with a weight of fear.

Its hard to understand I know. How on earth can choosing, for example, sugar over sweeteners be such a fearful experience? Turn left or turn right on leaving the apartment? Go out or not go out.

Somewhere in my brain there is a fearful residence. Its a painful remembrance, real or imagined, of past mistakes. Of ALL mistakes. And all these mistakes were my own, my own choosing, a result, and results of, my own free will.

Ergo - anything good that has happened in my life has been as a result of intervention by person or persons (or even gods) outside of my realm of influence.

Ergo - no decision I can make will be the right decision.

Ergo - I am incapable of making good decisions regarding myself and therefore need other people to make decisions for me.

Ergo .... I have no free will.