Bugger the money

Yes I finally did it, I broke down, breached my own defenses, and, spent money on something I wanted but don't need ......

an iPhone

and I don't regret it one moment. (Almost).

Spending money is one of the things that still doesn't come easy to me after my relationship with Gerard. I was so used to him spending his (and more often my) money on ridiculous over the top 'stuff' that money became something tarnished, something to be frightened of, something to despise; filthy lucre.

Although I didn't know it at the time, I was the only one really paying any of the serious bills. There were several serious bills. A 2 week holiday in Crete that cost me 12.000 guilders, an afternoon in the P.C. Hooftstraat that cost me 6.000 guilders, etc, etc .... 

All the while being egged on by Gerard .... 

"I've paid enough this month, this one's for you"

"Just pay this for me will you, I'll put it back into the joint bank account later"

"I hate credit cards - use yours"

It should be easy for me to see which one of us couldn't handle money. After all, I am still here and relatively debt free, his was the personal bankruptcy.

But it was about power and control of course. The house was the ultimate weapon in his arsenal. The house was in my name with a mortgage so high I had nothing left of my salary after the monthly payments. Literally, nothing. I was financially in his power and in his eyes therefore totally under control. Then he stepped up the game when I started to fight back by mortgaging the house again and letting me sign for that too (he did this in total 4 times but without me finding out until after I'd left him). Financial debt that I would never be able to pay back on my own, therefore financially his prisoner.

What he'd failed to take into account however was my slowly blossoming self-awareness, my deep felt sadness, all leading to desperation.

Add to this his need to keep everything secret from me and it was a bomb that was bound to go off eventually. If he'd told em everything he'd done I might have been too scared to leave. I know that after I left and started to find out everything were some of the darkest in my life.

But I did leave, and I survived, and blossomed in my own way.

Time enough to let go the fears and sorrow of old pain.