Dopa

Now that's what I call dramatic …

Drug users, not necessarily injected, have less dopamine receptors than 'normal'. This implies less activity in frontal cortex zones indicating less control, and more activity in the amygdala zone indicating more impulsivity.

However, the same is also true of people with HIV. To a lesser but still significant degree people with HIV have less dopamine receptors.

The combination of HIV infection and substance abuse whether it's Cocaine, Heroine or Meth etc increases this effect - possibly permanently, but at least for quite a few years.

This results in a continued loss of control and increase in impulsivity - an addiction to dopamine.

It's a long way to go till substantial evidence is accumulated but it's a begin. Addiction is a Brain Disease which is aggravated by HIV.

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Demonstration Damage

Not everyone was convinced that Canada is doing it's best in the fight against Aids…

Breaking Point

Just achieved breaking point at the conference. There's just so much I can take of all this incredible activity around me. So I'm trying to slow down and put an end to today while I'm still (reasonably) sane …

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Michel Kazatchine

"The denial of human rights for Gay men is counter productive, even absurd when considering the general health of people living with HIV. "

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Saturday

Pre-Conference day in Vienna - Gay men and other MSM.

600 Gay men (and associates) in one location for a whole day may sound like heaven but not if you're surposed to be concentrating …

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Comment of the day

"we're not dying of Aids anymore - but we ARE still dying"

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Global Aids Conference 2010

On my way to Vienna. City of tarnished glory, idle vanity, and Cafe Demel.
I've already started by drinking an Espresso Machiato with bonbon at Schiphol. The waitress obviously thought I needed it because she slipped me an extra bonbon on the sly… love it.

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Death

Another one gone - Non-Hodgkins - no more than 5 years HIV+.

That's enough for this evening.

For sure

In a world built of coloured plastic and painted cardboard, its hard to find certainties.

And yet we do search for them continually. Why?

Our lives are built of emotions, but just like the world around us they are painted pieces of paper, illusions, shadows of something that seems to be just out of our reach.

In a world where nothing is real, nothing is stable, nothing is reliable, we create certainty. Or at least the fantasy of certainty. We blind ourselves to sometimes really harsh and violent reality in order to keep going. Its not just the 'head in the sand' mentality - sometimes we manage to bury ourselves completely. And in doing so stifle ourselves of all true and real feelings.

again

Once again I've worked myself into a situation where I feel I have little or no control over.

I have a wedding in a few hours that I have promised to go to. Its an acquaintance of an acquaintance. She's terminaly ill and has decided to get married to her husband again before she dies.

The whole thing will be so emotionaly heavy that I'm already now in a state of high apprehension.

What makes it worse is that I've been invited separately from my friends, leaving me to arrive at a later time than them - on my own.

I didn't know this until yesterday and the wedding is today .... if I'd known I would have made an excuse but as it is I now have no way out ....

If I go then I will be doing the wrong thing for me - if I don't go then that/I will be frowned upon.

I hate this ....

Backwards and Forwards

Most of you know what that's like at certain moments in your life. That idea that in spite of the 3 steps forward you have taken there has to be 2 steps taken backward.

But why?

The issue of non-acheivement is for me the largest reason I know of. The knowledge, real or perceived, of never being able to live up to the standards that I impose upon myself. Standards absorbed from a lifetime of being told that whatever I acheived it was just not quite good enough.

The perfectionist's tale.

To be or not to be ....

Is it the coward's way to back down from a confrontation?
It is certainly the most damaging to oneself. For the fear of the confrontation, or, more honestly, the consequences is paralyzing.

The fear of making ANY decision paralyzes me.

Any decision made, however small, however mundane, however inconsequential burdens me with a weight of fear.

Its hard to understand I know. How on earth can choosing, for example, sugar over sweeteners be such a fearful experience? Turn left or turn right on leaving the apartment? Go out or not go out.

Somewhere in my brain there is a fearful residence. Its a painful remembrance, real or imagined, of past mistakes. Of ALL mistakes. And all these mistakes were my own, my own choosing, a result, and results of, my own free will.

Ergo - anything good that has happened in my life has been as a result of intervention by person or persons (or even gods) outside of my realm of influence.

Ergo - no decision I can make will be the right decision.

Ergo - I am incapable of making good decisions regarding myself and therefore need other people to make decisions for me.

Ergo .... I have no free will.

Malcolm Mclaren - Deep in Vogue

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9KDmJQjS_0&feature=youtube_gdata

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Brain fluid

"continuing development of the HIV virus in brain fluid"

I really do think that you can't get away with saying that to a room
full of people with HIV and then walk away …

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MSM

Well the Schorer has done what no-one has ever done before - you have to give them credit where credit is due .....

For the first time ever in the Netherlands, the Schorer has managed to publish a brochure for HIV+ Gay men over Hepatitis C without using the word 'Gay' once in the title .... or 'homosexual' for that matter.

So its official.

Even if you thought you were Gay all these years its not true - you are just a Man having Sex with other Men - MSM.

You stood on the barricades for nothing .....

Tina

So an acquaintance says to me ......

"I don't understand why you didn't come over to play with us last weekend, it was 'gezellig.'"

"They really got me going those two (later three - a different three) and one of 'em fisted me with both arms up to the elbows."

"Of course we were on Tina (Crystal Meth) which was really horny, otherwise I can't take so much up my ass."

"850 euro for 10 gram. Expensive? Depends on your priorities doesn't it."

"The Hepatitis C? I've been on the treatment for 5 months and it doesn't help - I'm just gonna have to wait for the new medicine."

....

HHV8

Another acquaintance with Kaposi Sarcoma related Non Hodgkins Lymfoma - like it never went away.

Gay, HIV+, 45+ not on CART, no reason to be, until ...

When will we see that the danger is present, not past.

Drama Queen

Drama Queens are wonderful creatures, at least they should be. They make a wonderful show out of themselves and their surroundings. Unfortunately, and more often than not, the cost of the show is higher than the content would warrant if it were on broadway.

Most Drama Queens don't even know that they are the only star in their particular firmament. Correction. They demand to be the only star in their firmament.

Its a lonely existence.

All glitter and sequins, spotlights and smoke screens, self-deception and pointless intrigue.

Aids-related Cancers

The top three cancers in the general population, breast, intestine and lung, occur in the same frequency in people with a Hiv infection. However, the three so-called Aids related cancers occur much more often.

1. Kaposi Sarcoma of the skin and internal organs – Herpes 8

2. Glandular or non-Hodgkin – Epstein Barr Virus

3. Cervical (in women) – HPV

Other cancers are rising in frequency amongst people with a Hiv infection. Notably the Hodgkin Lymphoma.

The association with Hepatitis B and Hepatitis C infections increase the risk of liver cancer.

Certain non-KS skin cancers are also more prevalent in people with a Hiv infection.

Anal cancer, although comparatively rare, does occur 25 times more in Hiv positive men and 40 times more in Gay Hiv positive men. Recent trials are already indicating that these figures will increase when the trials are completed.

Happy, Happy, Happy

For the first time in 20 years I read the last will and testament of my ex-partner Herman last night.

I read it and berated myself for reading it at the same time. But it didn't hurt, it didn't even really get me as angry as I expected it to. At least not angry with Herman. His mother I will always despise because she is who she is. His father was pure dictator, there was nothing else one could do but hate him, or at least revile him.

But last night I suddenly discovered detachment. After 20 years of a life twisted and distorted by Herman's dying and death I think I may be able to confront it.