Its not something any of us like talking about, especially the english, but intimacy is an important part of our lives.
Or the lack of it.
I do feel untouchable a lot of the time. This is very difficult for me as I am by nature a very tactile person. I like to keep physical contact with loved ones around me.
Something about touching other people calms and reassures me, and I hope them. Its my way of saying non-verbally that they are a part of my life.
Real intimacy, down dirty intimacy, full insertion intimacy is something I miss very much. Sex was always my way of being close to other men when there was no emotional bond. Having sex with them meant I could feel their skin, smell them, taste them.
Since my sex life has become so dramatically reduced, I can't help but feel a sort of deadening happening in my body. I'm not used to people touching me unawares. My body goes into shock almost if someone tries to get too close, especially 'down there'.
Alcohol and drugs helped to loosen my inhibitions, but since I have to be careful about that now I'm afraid the sex has gone completely out the window.
So I bought a Teddy bear for the first time in my life, and I sleep with him, and that's okay as long as I don't feel the need to fuck him.
No comments:
Post a Comment